The culmination of things both decided and certain...

I have observed that at some point in a person's life everything that you've regretted and all of those poor decisions you've made catch up with you--sometimes all at once, in a vacant parking lot, where you have to pull over, perhaps because you have just found yourself swept up by the violent thrashing of an ugly cry that causes you to lose all gross motor skills and you begin to make noises reminiscent of mating hippopotamuses. You find yourself sitting there, in your Camry Hybrid, crying and gnashing your teeth. You feel hopeless and self deprecating. You feel like you have nothing to live for and that everything you will ever attempt will end in failure. Of course all these things happen after you decide that your only salvation is to move into fam camp and live in a tent sharing a coed campground shower with retired couples from Indiana living out the rest of their days moving from base to base in a Winnebego. At some point after this you might call your mom, if you don't like what your mom says you may call a friend. If you call this friend she may also say things that you don't want to hear. In spite of this, keep listening because they may be things you need to hear. She will listen to your sobbing, she will give you wise biblical advice and encouragement. She will remind you of the unlimited power of God to transform people in the most miraculous of ways. She will tell you that all is not lost and that you are precious in the eyes of a loving God. In your heart you will know that friends like that are placed here to be that friend in your life at that moment while you sit there exhausting your tear ducts and sending unintelligible awkward noises into the moonless night. After consoling you she will hang up and begin to pray for you and petition for God's help on your behalf. You will listen to K-Love and they will play the perfect songs that reach down and meet you where you are in the midst of your torrential emotions and God will draw you nearer to Himself as the songs of redemption reverberate through your consciousness. You will make up your mind to do what is right, and not what is easy. You will do what is right, come what may. I don't know, that's just something I've observed, not that this ACTUALLY happened to anyone I know, but it happened to me Monday night. Thanks Virginia.

The Unfortunate Disconnect Between What is and What Should Be

It was once said, "If only I knew now what I knew then." It seems that what I knew "then" was so black and white, was so defined. What I knew then separated me from the dredges of disappointed cynics. What I knew then was the identifying trait that upheld and maintained me. This week at work someone said that I was cynical and too easily offended. I spent the next few hours trying to figure out what about my naive optimism and often insulting wit caused them to think this. In part I wrote it off as poor vocabulary and use of the words. I've never thought of myself as a pessimist, there are simply things that are and things that are not. Now at 25 I still have not reached in my eyes what I think are the "appropriate amount of life goals" in proportion to my age and occupation. I still long for things that will never be and I still show an unwillingness to make any drastic changes. It is one thing to be unhappy but something entirely worse when you're unhappy and fake. I am struggling in futility to the point that I can't find contentment in anything. I feel like a commercial for Cybalta. Perhaps it is my fault for asking too much, for always wanting more. For wanting the best parts of the lives of those around me while masking the obvious deficits in my own. Perhaps it's from wanting more from people than they want from themselves and begging others to open their eyes to the things that could be only to be shut down yet again by cutting words. Here's to hoping for things to get better and for more days of rain.

The Reality of Monetary Dissappointment

$1400.
That is approximately how much Chris informed me I have spent on food in the last 21 days. Not eating out, not on potato chips and junk food, not even on steaks or halibut... on whole foods and herbs.
I can't even tell you how devastated I was when he told me. Keep in mind this cost was not entirely perishable food, or even really all food. It also included a seed sprouter, various containers, herbs (lots of them), a Nettie pot, ear candles (not a good idea) and ingredients for making cleaners of various sorts at home.
So this is how it started, a month ago after going from a size four to a size ten and having zero energy and being super grouchy for months I decided I needed a change. This said change developed into a plan to strictly feed my family whole unprocessed foods and save money (haha) by making as many things homemade as possible. I got the book Nourishing Traditions by Sally Fallon from the library and bought a book about whole foods from Amazon. And then I went crazy....
I started making everything from scratch, each meal with a protein and two vegetables, and two failed attempts at making bread. I made my own dishwasher soap, laundry detergent, bubble bath, face wash, cough syrup, and multi surface spray. At this point it affirmed my inability to half-way do anything. In both failure and success I must commit myself wholeheartedly. In a lot of ways I decided to write in my blog again because I feel like a failure. On one hand I do feel like for the last month I have provided my family with the best food I possibly could, but for just over $66 a day I could have taken them to Texas Roadhouse every day this month and saved money.
So what do I have to show for my money? I do feel better, I still wear a size ten, I'm still grumpy, and now I'm out a lot of money. I have enjoyed having a fresh smoothie for breakfast everyday and a plateful of delicious leftovers for lunch. I have not enjoyed being so busy making everything from scratch that I don't get to sit down and relax until after eleven at night.
I had considered creating a small garden of potted vegetables but I am currently having a problem keeping a potted lavender alive in a self-watering pot. Maybe this simple lifestyle was not meant for women who work a full time job. How do my parents do it? How do Chris's parents do it? On my parents behalf my mom doesn't make things from scratch and relies heavily on convenience type foods. Chris's parents have a garden and Connie bakes her own bread and does a lot of canning. What am I supposed to do now? Where do I cut costs, how do I continue to provide the best for my family without breaking the bank? Arg, I'm so upset even the pirate is coming out.